The process and challenges of grieving the death of one’s children is explored within the film Manchester by the Seaand within the conceptualization of the character of Lee Chandler. For some, life changes as a direct result of the grief experienced. The extraordinary heartache and suffrage that occurs can be disabling. Typical life functions can become compromised. For others, time of bereavement is managed in a manner that allows one to experience the pain of grief while continuing to actively engage with progressing and evolving in life. Randi Chandler, performed by Michelle Williams, the wife of the protagonist, Lee Chandler (acted by Casey Affleck), within the film Manchester by the Sea is portrayed as a powerful character; one who copes and moves through the grief of the death of her three children in stark contrast to Lee Chandler’s process. The impact Randi Chandler has upon framing the understanding and life of Lee Chandler is one of substantial quality. Despite the sparse quantity in which Randi presents within the film; in fact, she is found in a mere seven scenes, the juxtaposition of Randi to Lee’s presentation established a worthy OSCAR^®nomination for Best Supporting Actress.

Most notable, in Randi’s brief presence, she performs three distinct roles. These roles included one of a wife, a mother, and a friend. Within the first scenes, Randi is depicted as sharing the roles of a wife and a mother. She is introduced as Lee’s infirmed wife and the mother of his three children. Though she is found lying in the bed, when Lee enters the room, it is implied that she has cared for the children for the duration of the day while he was on a fishing trip with his brother and nephew. Though Lee attempted to make advances towards her, she declined providing gentle, yet firm boundaries reminding him that she was ill. Her role as a wife appeared to gratify both Lee and herself, as they exchanged positive interactions with banter, lighthearted frustration, and laughter.

Randi’s role as a mother is further illustrated in Lee’s memory of her being rescued from the burning family home. She responded in horror; yelling fearfully alerting the firefighters that her children remained in the flames, “My children are still in there! My children are still in there!” Inconsolable; she kicked and screamed as she was carried away by paramedics in an effort to prevent her from reentering the house. Morning arrives, where Randi was placed on a gurney and within an ambulance using oxygen to assist her recovery. When Lee placed his hand on her shoulder to offer comfort, her body shook, which nudged his hand off. At this time, her response as a mother after the traumatic death of her children was paramount; and her ability to respond as a wife was obstructed by the trauma she experienced.

“When death occurs, family members need to intend to be together so that their grief can be shared” (Anderson, 2010, p. 130). Within Manchester by the Sea the narrative of Randi does not provide specifics regarding her grieving process. Though, after years have passed, she is reintroduced once she learns of the death of Lee’s brother, Jo (performed by Kyle Chandler). She called Lee to offer condolences and spoke to him gingerly; relating to him as a friend. Randi requested that she attend the services of his brother. When her request was granted, she informed Lee that she was expecting the birth of a child. Randi provided a boundary between her and her ex-husband, giving information to solidify that she had the opportunity for motherhood again; yet, the role of being a mother would no longer include him in her family.

According to research, there may be gender differences in relation to how individuals grieve. “The extremes of grief are unique and different for all. A mother might assume ‘he is grieving less than I am’ rather than what may actually be the case, that ‘he is grieving differently’” (Stroebe and Schut, 2010, p. 282). Bereaved women are better able to access emotional resources to have better outcomes after the death of a loved one in comparison to their male counterparts (Neria & Litz, 2003). Randi’s ability to grieve the loss of her children and continue to progress in her life was depicted when she arrived to the funeral accompanied by her husband. She interacted with individuals, provided customary hugs, and greeted loved ones. When she approached Lee, he appeared dejected and morose. Randi introduced her husband, hugged Lee, and began to tear. Stroebe and Schut (2010) shared that Wijngaards, et al. (2008) posited, “Women appear to be more loss-oriented following bereavement, feeling and expressing their distress at their loss; men are more restoration-oriented, actively engaging with the problems and practical issues associated with loss” (p. 282). Notably, Lee used a similar, logical, problem solving approach, specifically during the immediate time of bereavement after the death of his brother. His aloof presentation did not offer an emotional response to the reality that he faced an additional significant loss. In contrast, Randi was receptive to compassion from others that created an environment to accept condolences, and express her affective experience of grief.

Randi’s connection to others and her ability to resume and maintain relationships speaks to her global interpersonal skills. In the face of pain and grief, Randi was able to maintain a relationship with her former brother-in-law. She described that throughout the years they remained in touch and were “friends.” Additionally, Randi continued to be willing to accept love in her life. Her marriage and the anticipated birth of a child provided her with a second opportunity to experience family dynamics, unconditional love, and motherhood. Despite coping with the death of her children that occurred in a traumatic way, Randi continued to remain capable of resuming and generating interpersonal relationships with others.

“As Walsh and McGoldrick rightly observe, each individual within a family will have particular grief for the unique relationship with the lost family member” (Anderson, 2010, p. 130). Randi had an opportunity to observe years after the death of their children Lee’s continued acute bereaved state. Her response was one of concern. Her observations yielded evidence that Lee’s grieving process contrasted hers significantly. Randi’s expressed love for Lee motivated her to confront him using an empathetic approach. She shared her awareness that he struggled with feelings of sadness and with being successful in moving on with his life. “Too often, women and men alike deny their partner’s pain and attempt to regulate how the other grieves” (Anderson, 2010, p. 133). However, Randi, woebegone and sobbing, implored Lee to hear her apologies for her behaviors in the past towards him. She begged for him to communicate with her his feelings regarding his emotional health; because as she described, “You can’t just die. Honey. I see you walking around here.” Randi was greatly pained by her ex-husband’s paralysis due to grief and was unable to ignore his presentation. Challenged by her observations, she noted her inability to tolerate holding her feelings by stating, “I just got to get this out.”

Randi’s upset and worry regarding her ex-husband’s functioning demonstrated the potential challenges she may have faced while married and coping with the grief of their children. Her ability to continue to move forward in her life suggested that there was a discrepancy between her and her ex-husband’s ability to grieve the death of their children in a cohesive manner. Anderson (2010) noted, “the tasks of grieving are difficult for individuals: they are even more complicated when the family is the mourner” (p.131). “The grief families experience when loss occurs is more than the sum of individual grief and needs to be expressed in ways appropriate” (Anderson, 2010, p. 130). Within Anderson’s (2010) work he noted that a family may aid in the grieving process by employing the following:

1. Acknowledging as a family the loss,

2. Sharing the affective experience and pain in an effort to build a shared narrative and memory of the deceased,

3. Reorganizing the family system considering the loss experienced;

4. Restoring meaning or faith into the family unit to foster the ability to be free to revive hope.

Randi and Lee’s struggle to be able to engage in a conversation that directly addressed the past appeared to be a demonstration of residual symptomatology present when they were a couple attempting to cope together the losses of their children.                                                                                                                              Due to the brief nature of Randi’s appearance within the film, providing a comprehensive assessment of her presentation is limited. Social interactions as well as her utilized defense mechanisms were not furnished within her narrative. However, Randi’s interpersonal skills were critical in understanding how her presence was of support to Lee Chandler’s role. In particular, Randi was consistently portrayed as an individual who shared herthoughts and feelings readily. Whether as a wife when she expressed upset to her husband for making loud noises with friends at two in the morning while the children slept demanding that they vacate the home or as a friend when she confronted Lee regarding his prolonged grief symptoms, Randi was presented as an individual who was honest based in love. “I love you. I don’t know if I’m suppose to say that,” she shared with her ex-husband years after their divorce.

Affectively, Randi was insightful regarding her feelings. She was consciously aware of the conflictual emotions she experienced; and, in turn, had the ability to be transparent with her ex-husband regarding how she felt. She exhibited a range of emotions: fatigue, satisfaction, anger, horror, guilt, sadness, etc. In most scenes, her behaviors were consistent and a direct parallel to what she was feeling. The expression of her emotions was both uninhibited and authentic to her role.

To read more, find Manchester by the Sea, Chapter 8 in Best Psychology in Film….

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0578429020?pf_rd_p=c2945051-950f-485c-b4df-15aac5223b10&pf_rd_r=NR454EP5WTCQZH3GBJJ3

References

Anderson, H. (2010). Common grief, complex grieving. Pastoral Psychology, 59, 127-136.

Neria, Y. & Litz, B. T. (2003). Bereavement by traumatic means: The complex synergy of trauma and grief. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 9, 73-87.

Stroebe, M. & Schut, H. (2010). The dual process model of coping with bereavement: A decade on*.Omega, 61(4), 273-289.